My First Entry (very very long)

Where do I start?  For awhile now, I've been wanting to blog my experience with infertility and everything Vlad and I have gone through.  However, I thought, maybe I won't have this so called infertility problem for very long and instead I can start a pregnancy blog.  Well, those dreams have shattered in a matter of a week.  

I guess I'll start from the very beginning.  We started trying to conceive in June of 2006 shortly after our niece, Aliana was born.  We were so excited to be a Tia & Tio (aunt and uncle in Spanish) that we thought it was the right time to start a family of our own.  We started without temping, counting days, etc.  We just said whatever happens happens.  Well after 2 months of trying we got pregnant.  But I knew in my heart something was wrong.  The HPT (home pregnancy test) came up positive but I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be because of that bad feeling I had.  Within a few days I was bleeding heavily.  Up until this point, Vlad had no idea of the pregnancy test result or anything.  I kept it all to myself.  I finally told him when the next HPT I took was negative.  I told him not to be excited because I was miscarrying.  And shortly after that.....I was.  I miscarried the day before my birthday.  Happy Birthday to me!  Yeah sure.  It was terrible.  I was in so much pain and the bleeding went on for 15 days.  But I sucked it up, went to work, went to church, had parent/teacher night, etc. and no one knew the pain I was suffering.  I went to the gyno during this time and she confirmed my miscarriage and told me that we can start trying again right away since it was an early miscarriage.  I was exited to hear that yet heart broken that someone now told me I miscarried.  But again, I sucked it up and tried to move on with my life. 

 After another 3 months of no results, I decided to pick up the book, Taking Control of Your Fertility.  WOW!  That book was wonderful.  I learned so much and immediately thought that everyone needs to read that book.  So I would recommend that book left and right to anyone who would listen.  After reading the book, I bought a basal body thermometer and began temping and taking note of my cervical mucus (sorry if tmi), etc.  

This charting thing was going well and I was able to predict within a short amount of time when I would ovulate, etc.  I did notice however, that my luteal phase (the time between ovulation and the menstrual) was very short...less than 10 days to be exact.  By reading the book, I learned that it wasn't exactly a good thing to have a luteal phase shorter than 10 days.  I started to realize that there was something wrong with me....not just the luteal phase, but I was dizzy, losing my balance, very weak and lazy.  I thought I was just not eating well or needed to exercise.  Then in March of 2007, I started to feel worse.  I got my period and boy was it bad!  I thought I was dying.  I went to shower and the bathroom looked like a murder scene (sorry if tmi).  Now, I'm nervous.  This has never happened to me before.  So the first thing I thought was another miscarriage.  I tried to call my doctor but they were closed (it was Saturday)....I should have went to the hospital...but I didn't.  I was changing a pad every half hour or more. Monday I call my gyno and they tell me they have a full schedule and won't be able to see me until the next day.  So I told the nurse, "if I haven't died yet...I guess I can wait".  Boy, did I not realize the extent of what I said at the moment.  The next day, I go to the gyno (which by the way, don't like her anymore and if you want me to tell you who it is so you can avoid her at all costs....e-mail me) and she said that it was just a heavy period and to not think anything of it.  She said I was almost done....so to not worry anymore.  But I did have these weird red dots all over my legs that I pointed out to her.  She said that it could be some kind of rash or allergic reaction to something but I told her it wasn't itchy.  

Few days later...I find myself in Dr. Cabrera's office (general practitioner) and he is a nervous wreck.  That scared the crap out of me.  He told me to take off the following day and get blood work done.  So I did, the next day after about an hour of giving the hospital my blood to check out...I got a call from Dr. Cabrera's office.  He rushes me to the hospital and the next thing I know...I'm on a list to get a platelet transfusion.  I meet with Dr. Damle (a wonderful hematologist) and she explains to me that I have ITP (an auto immune disorder in which my body is attacking my platelets as if it is some kind of bacteria).  Which explains all the symptoms I had up until this moment.  I talk to Dr. Damle and ask her if I will ever be able to have children....she said yes, but that I would have to put off trying for a few months (Great a forced break! Just what I wanted.).  I was put on prednisone and received my transfusion.  Things were looking good and after a week's stay in the hospital I was ready to go home.  I relapsed a few times but overall, I was doing much better.  

So at this point Vlad and I have to AVOID getting pregnant.  That's easy...it hasn't been working for us anyway.  But Vlad being the careful person he is, made sure that we did nothing anytime around ovulation time.  I was still temping so he knew what was going on.  Soon after, we find out my Sister in Law is pregnant.  I was more annoyed that we were the last to know than anything.  It actually hurt my feelings....however, my happiness for my sil and bil (sister in law and brother in law) was much greater for the baby that was on the way.  I was ok with the fact that they were expecting their second...and I'm still no where near my first....well because I was sick and needed to get better.  So it was fine.  But once we started trying again, my happiness for them began to fade.  I wasn't asking her how she was feeling much, didn't really ask about the baby, etc.  I started to actually ignore the fact that she was pregnant and I was getting my period every single month.  The only thing I was happy about was the fact that I was healthy again and that I was able to keep trying.  

So it is now July 2007 and about a full year since we had started trying.  I go back to my gyno (figured I would give her a second chance also I thought that once I'm pregnant I will definitely switch but just to make things easier..I would continue seeing her) this time with Vlad.  She orders my hormones to be checked out and orders for Vlad to get a Sperm Analysis.  Vlad couldn't get an appointment until Columbus Day.  I also had an HSG done which checks your fallopian tubes to check if anything is blocking it...and mine were clear.  

Before his sperm analysis my other sil announces to me that she was pregnant.  Well that hit me like a ton of bricks.  At this point we have been trying for so long and the thought of the next person being pregnant wasn't me...killed me.  Don't get me wrong again....I was and am very happy for them.  I can't wait to see my little niece, Gabriella.  But it was just hard.  I cried and cried after getting the news.  Vlad, on the other hand, was just so happy for his little brother that he thought nothing else about it.  Again, I feel like I distanced myself a little because I didn't want to be reminded of the fact that I'm STILL not pregnant.  I feel terrible about it....but I can't help my feelings.  

The day after getting the sperm analysis done we found out the news, Vlad's count was very low about 1 million.  This was a slap in the face to Vlad as it should be.  No man ever expects for his "boys" to be the problem.  He was so depressed and all I could do was console him and tell him at least we now know why and we can get help.   We met with Dr. Werner (urologist) and he ordered that Vlad get a genetic test and more sperm analysis done.  The genetic test was kind of cool and thank gooodness...nothing was wrong with his genes.  We figured that much since both his brothers have kids (or are on the way) and are all healthy.  Dr. Werner did a physical on Vlad and saw immediately that he has varicoceles.  Basically it is having varicose veins in the man's sack.  I asked the doctor if it was a hereditary thing since his mom suffers from varicose veins and he said it sure is.  Doctor suggested surgery but Vlad decided not to.  After tons of research, there is not enough proof that his count will improve.  Plus, the varicoceles were not bothering him.  So we decided at this point to see an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist...basically a specialist in getting people pregnant) after asking around we went to RMA of NJ in West Orange and made an appointment with Dr. Kim.  

So far, I love RMA.  The people there are friendly and truly care.  I also met my nurse Anne on the first day.  She's super nice and super sweet and takes every single one of my phone calls...even though I know I'm annoying as hell.  Our plan of action was IUI (artificial insemination) that were going to do back to back while taking clomid and an hcg trigger.  We were excited!  Finally a plan..and we could get pregnant.  Only a matter of time now.  We also find out that I have hypothyroid and immediately begin taking synthroid (sp?).  The first cycle finally begins in December of 2007 and I go in for an ultrasound and blood work.  Everything looks good and everything is a go.  Yay!  It was so nerve wrecking taking those clomid pills but I didn't happily thinking we are going to get pregnant...and maybe even  have 2.  When it came time to see if I was ready for our first insemination the doctor saw that I had 2 follicles one on the left and one on the right that were ready to ovulate.  Fast forward to the end of the cycle....I get my period 2 days before I was scheduled for a beta (the blood test that confirms pregnancy).  We were devastated.   For whatever reason, we really thought that this would work...I mean I had 2 follicles that were mature and yes, his count after the wash wasn't the greatest...but still it only takes 1.  But nope...bust #1.  On to cycle #2.

January starts our next cycle.  Same protocol at this point I can barely care less.  We go in to check my follicles and I have one that is super mature.  Right away, I thought this too would be a bust.  Vlad's numbers this time post wash was marvelous!!  I was so happy that his "boys" were improving.  But as expected.....3 days before my scheduled beta my period comes again.  On to cycle #3.

You must understand that at this point, Vlad and I are getting tired of this waiting game.  Our hearts are aching and we truly just want to hear good news.  So time to check my follicles...I have 2 that are mature...Yay!  So we try again, the first day of Vlad's sperm wash wasn't the greatest.....the second day was a little better.....but again it only takes one!   We decide to meet with Dr. Kim and figure out what our next step will be once this cycle is a bust (I already thought it was) and he said that we would move on to injectables with IUI again.  Ok...we were fine with that....although I was praying to God that we don't have to get to that....because I'm not exactly a huge fan of injections.  Plus, Vlad would have to give it to me since I'm a huge chicken.  I order the injections 4 days before my scheduled beta and I have them rush it..since I know I can get my period any day.  The injections were over $2000.00.  Wow!  Thank goodness, for insurance and the fact that the state of NJ requires that insurance covers infertility that I only paid $20.  So I get my injections later that day and it comes with a little bag of hershey kisses.  I was excited...that was my consolation prize.  So I ate the whole bag on my own.  The days begin to pass and there is no sign of my period....nothing......can this be it?!  I don't even want to think about it....I just keep thinking that my period is coming and we'll be starting injectables soon.  My beta was scheduled for 2-27 a Wednesday.  On Monday, I went to the bathroom every hour just to see if my period arrived.....nothing.  I did begin to feel some pregnancy symptoms: urinating a lot and my boobs were a bit sore but I ignored it..because my period is coming....at least that's what I told myself.  Tuesday comes and nothing, Vlad begs me to take a pregnancy test....but I refused.  Tuesday night until Wednesday I couldn't sleep.  Wednesday morning I get up and go to the RE's office and get the blood work done.  I was so nervous....I truly thought that right after getting the blood work I would get my period.  Still nothing.  I go to work and I can't stop thinking about it and am still very nervous.  I try to teach and not think about it....but it's sooooo hard.  Finally my phone is ringing at 11:53am.  It's a restricted call....I pick it up it was Anne from RMA.  She tells me I'm pregnant!  OMG I'm in shock that I can't talk.  I ask her what my beta was and she told me it was 44 and that my next beta is two days later 2-29.  I start crying....finally!  We are pregnant!  I wanted to tell Vlad in a very special way and got two yankee onesies one in pink and the other in blue.  When I got home (i flew home from work) I put the two onesies behind the pillow.  He comes in and I ask him....which one he thinks we will be having.  We hug and cry a bit.  We are soooooo happy!  Finally our dream has come true.  We wanted to just tell our parents about the news since they have been praying so hard for us...that we wanted to share it with them.  First we go and tell my parents....they are so happy for us.  We then tell his parents...the too are excited.  We then go to Barnes and Nobles and I pick up a pregnancy journal and a pregnancy book.  Vlad also picks up a few books for himself.  

The next few days all I do is day dream about our little baby.....our bundle of joy that was finally on his/her way.  So did he.  We talked about what we still needed to do in order to get the house ready for a baby, etc.  I get my second beta done and it doubled...it's 88.  Yay!  I'm still pregnant!  We've had names picked out for over a year and were excited that we will finally be able to use them. We've also had god parents picked out....and couldn't wait to ask them to be the god parents.  But we kept it to ourselves.  After 4 days of finding out the news.....we decided to share the news with Vlad's brothers and their wives.  They couldn't be more happier for us.  And I was excited to share when the baby was due (Nov. 4th) and all the symptoms I've had thus far.  Up until this day, I was afraid of miscarriage....but by the time we told his brothers I felt like everything was going to be ok.  The next day, I tell my brothers that they are going to be uncles.  They are ecstatic.  This is the first baby for our family.  I was so happy to share it with them.  

Two days later, March 5th, I wake up feeling weird (this is now exactly one week after finding out the news).  I lay down for a few minutes and finally get up and get dressed to go to work.  I have a workshop that day and thought that it was going to be an easy day so I don't have anything to worry about.  I decide that after the workshop I'll go back to school to teach in the after school program.  I get to the school, and OMG.....what is that I feel in my underwear.  I run to the bathroom but people are stopping me on my way.  I get there and OMG there is brown blood on my underwear.  I wipe and it's red.  Now, I'm practically in tears asking God to please not let this happen to me.  I run to my classroom (there are no kids) and frantically call RMA.  Anne isn't in so I call Louise (another nurse) and she tells me to go home and keep my feet up and to come in the next morning for an ultrasound and blood work.  I couldn't stop crying all the way home.  I called Vlad while driving.  I get home use the bathroom and the toilet is filled with blood.  Why God??  Why am I miscarrying?  Why allow us to get so happy have feelings of hope only to end this way in a week?  I see I have an e-mail from my sil's sister congratulating me on the news of the baby.  I delete it.  I see I have another from my sil I reply with "I'm bleeding".  My phone rings...she urges me to go to the hospital and talks to Vlad and says the same.  So now we are on our way to the hospital.  I'm in the ER within a half hour or so.  They take blood and urine and give me a bed and start an IV to get fluids in me for the ultrasound.  I finally see the doctor and he tells me my beta is a 3.  Now...no one has to tell me anything....I know what happened.  I asked the doctor if there was any hope....he basically said no.  I leave the room in tears and see Vlad.  He said when he saw the doctor's face he knew.  I cried and cried and cried and cried.  I couldn't stop.  Vlad is trying to console me.  I see that he wants to cry but holds back.  We're at the ER a little longer and finally they get me in for an ultrasound.  I don't even want to look at the screen.  Vlad is staring at it .....like maybe there is hope.  Maybe there were 2 and one is still in there alive.  But no....nothing.  The nurse in the ER comes to me and says, "I have never felt bad for anyone that came in here....but for you.....I feel terrible".   I tried to make light of the situation and told Vlad we were missing American Idol and the least they could have done was get me out of there in a decent amount of time.  

The next morning we go in to see Dr. Kim and he confirms our miscarriage.  Dr. Kim talks to us and tells us that since this is our second miscarriage it's time for us to think about doing IVF instead of IUIs.  I knew he was going to say this.  I actually said this to Vlad right before going to the office.  He said that we can probably best avoid this by picking out the best egg and the best sperm and seeing them develop before inserting anything into my uterus.  I was numb and really didn't ask any questions.  Vlad did all the asking.  We left and pretty much decided that we are going to do IVF.  But again, we are on a forced break until my body recuperates from the miscarriage.  Nurse Anne calls me at around 1pm and tells me the same thing Dr. Kim said and I told her we were going to go ahead with his recommendation.  So in the meantime, she is going to sign us up for the IVF class and talk to Dr. Kim and get our protocol which she will mail us with all of the prescriptions next week.  So now we wait again.

I'm still so devastated and I can't put it into words.  Everyone has tried to be so nice...but there is nothing to say.  It hurts so much.  It would have been better to never have gotten pregnant than to go through this.  My heart aches and so does Vlad's.  I can't understand why God let this happen to us.  I know everything happens for a reason....but what is the reason?  I don't get it.  I don't doubt that God has a plan for us and I know in my heart that we WILL become parents.  But when?  Why has God allowed us to go this far into the baby making progress.  I've prayed sooooo hard to avoid all of this...but no....we are here.  

What can I do different this time, God?  What do Vlad and I need to do to become successful in having a child.  A child that we can love because we've built up so much love in our hearts....that we are dying to share that love with one of our own.  This has been so painful that I know I will NEVER do this again.  Once God has blessed us with a child....that's it.  We are done.  Our hearts can't take it anymore.  We are trying to stay strong and continue on our mission to be parents...but it's so hard.  I want to give up....but I know I can't.  I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't exhaust all options.  My mom told us just to stop and adopt.  If only it was that easy.....#1 adopting can be a heartbreaking process too.  I've known enough people to know that it's just about as bad as what we are going through now.  It's not easy to adopt...so I wish people including my mom would stop saying that.  It's not impossible and it's definitely something we've thought about....but I need to know that there is nothing more WE CAN DO to get pregnant before we go into adoption.  

Secondly, in people's attempts to be kind....I'm sick and tired of hearing, "but you are young".  So what?!  Stop saying that....maybe to you, I'm young...but to me...I see myself aging day after day.  And all I see is a future without children.  

I call this blog the infertile mommy because in my heart...I feel like I will become a mommy but with all of these hard times....it just seems like it's not going to happen.  When your husband is infertile (MFI) so am I.  It's meant to be an oxymoron.  If you're infertile...you can't become a mommy.  We are both suffering so much...it's not fair.  Why do all these other people....some of which don't deserve to be parents become parents?  I see it every day, mom's who don't want to be moms.  That treat their kids like garbage and their kids look for love elsewhere like gangs, their teachers, and drugs.  Why do these people get to become parents?  

And all the oops babies.....why is it so simple for people who aren't trying....have no intentions of having children yet...and oops..they are pregnant!  Why?  Why does life seem to be so unfair?  All the fertiles (people that can have children) don't understand what we are going through and never will.  It's so hard to see pregnant women, babies, and children.  Because it's something we've been wanting so badly for so long.  

I want to have the morning sickness, the body aches, the sleepless nights...I want it all!!  I want to be able to complain and yet be so happy that my baby is coming.  But no....it's already been taking away from us.  And this time hurts more than ever before.  One more thing, God help the next person that tells me that maybe God is trying to tell me something.  Because I might go ballistic.  If anything God is preparing me for something great.....at least that's what I believe.  

Donna (a friend and co-worker) told me that God wants me to have all the attention to myself when I finally get pregnant.  That right now there are about 5 people at work that are pregnant and God wants me to be by myself.  I appreciate the thought and that she is trying to imply that I'm special and so will our child....but I don't mind sharing in the lime light.  I don't want to be special...I just want to have a baby.  Liz (another friend and co-worker) told me yesterday that everyone sees me with twins..and maybe this is my way to get twins.  Again, I don't need twins...I want one...one healthy baby.  Don't get me wrong....if there are 2 that's great!  But I only need one...I'm not greedy.  

I wish there was way to see into my future and know that things are going to be ok so that I can stop suffering now.  I don't want to suffer anymore.  I just want us to be parents and be happy with our child/ren.  When I'm finally pregnant....I'm going to be so doubtful that the baby will stick.  I'm terrified of another miscarriage, of another stab in the heart.  That is exactly how I feel, that someone stabbed me in the heart and then turned the knife to make it hurt even more.  God, why does life have to be so unfair?  The only good thing out of this whole mess is that Vlad and I love each other so much...and with every new hurtle it's just proven more and more.  If we can deal with this, my sickness, etc., we can deal with anything.  I see us having a very long marriage and I do thank God for that.  Not everyone is so lucky.  Some people are married and do not get along with their spouse.  Vlad and I don't have that problem.  Yes, we fight....but we never go to bed angry.  We work things out as best as we could.  

I guess that's it for now.  If you've read this far....thanks.