First, I had to go to Lab Corp to get a CBC done (complete blood count). My hematologist ordered that I get one done because of my miscarriage and to see if it did anything to my platelet count. I waited at the Clifton Lab Corp for 2 and a half hours before finally giving them my blood. I will NEVER go there on a Saturday again. I usually go during the week...and now I know why I do.
Then I went to Michael's. I didn't find what I needed so I moved on. I was on my way to Bed Bath and Beyond when I stopped and went into Pier 1. I got some great stuff for prizes for the Baby shower I'm helping to host. I got 2 wine bottle racks, a bar tools set, and a shot glass set. It's a baby shower...yet everything I got was alcohol related...LOL. I figured since it's a co-ed shower....let me pick something up that anyone would like.
Finally I get to Bed Bath & Beyond. This is where I actually buy stuff for myself. Then I drive to Toys R Us for a 2 year old birthday party I have to go to tomorrow and bought a Dora toy. Finally, I go to Babies R Us and pick up some stuff for that same baby shower.
Now, I'm home. I just ate lunch and am just relaxing. Tonight I'm going to my friend Monique's accessories party which should be fun.
While I was in Babies R Us....I was looking around and as I did....I started to look at some of the items as if I was shopping for myself (my baby). I realized what I was doing and got back on track for why I was really there. I also saw a little Yankee outfit and thought.....should I get that or just give them the one I got for OUR baby. Well I decided to buy the one I saw and keep the ones I bought for our kid. I figured we will one day use them. Not that I know if I'll have a boy or a girl...but just in case..I would like to have both and be able to donate or give away the one we don't use.
I truly don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow at the birthday party. I think I will be ok but who knows. I kind of locked myself in my own home (except for work) for the past week and a half. For some reason I feel ashamed. I feel like I had no right to be pregnant...I don't know...it's such a weird feeling. Like who was I to think...I would have a child. That I would become a mom. I am so embarrassed about the few things I told my SILs. Not because I'm wrong to have said any of my plans, experiences, etc. but like....I told them so much with so much desire.....and now it's all gone. I actually feel stupid. It's such a weird feeling. I can't really explain it too much.
I just want to cry. I'm trying to be strong and move on with my life....but it really is hard. I mean...I was doing wonderfully! But today all my emotions took the best of me. Maybe it's because of all the shopping I did. I shopped for a REAL baby and a REAL child. Neither of which are mine. I don't know what to say.....and I really don't know if this make any sense.
I'm just going to keep believing that God will give us our child/ren. I just hope the IVF is all we needed to be successful in becoming parents. Only God knows and all I can do is trust in him and everything will be ok. I hope!
1 comment:
I wish you all the best in this situation. What I wondered was why you had to do all you've been doing as far as planning baby showers and going to 2 year old birthday parties. Given what you've been through I think it would be perfectly reasonable to decline and simply say you are not up to it. I can't imagine having to go through that and then have all that baby stuff in your face.
I hope you have a good day.
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